AA Grapevine, May 1949, Vol. 5 No. 12
They Can Boomerang–and Often Do
CELEBRATING anniversaries is an old American custom and no one should be surprised that it is being perpetuated in A.A.
Unfortunately, however, anniversaries in A.A., or particularly the emphasis put on them, can boomerang–and often do-into something far more serious than the harmless birthday fetes held elsewhere. There’s dynamite in A.A. anniversaries.
To begin with, the celebration of anniversaries runs contrary to several of the fundamentals of A.A. philosophy. One of these is the idea embodied in “the 24 hour plan” that we should not try to look ahead of the present in measuring our sobriety. We do not set out to stay sober one year, three or a lifetime. Our goal is just 24 hours–just the present–and if necessary we break the 24 hours into even smaller units of time.
CELEBRATION of the personal anniversary inevitably turns thoughts not only backwards but ahead to the next anniversary, again setting up the psychological yardstick which the founders of A.A. found they did best without.
Another bit of A.A. philosophy which the personal anniversary contradicts is expressed in the wise observation that it’s not the length but “the quality of your sobriety that counts.” How often that has been proved! Over and over, again and again, events have demonstrated, sometimes tragically, sometimes happily, that the test of security in sobriety is not how long in A.A. but how well founded in A.A. Everyone knows of those unfortunate cases of the “oldtimer” who has been in several years and then has a slip. He knows, too, on the other hand, of “newcomers” who in a shorter span of time have progressed much farther along the road of personal recovery.
CELEBRATION of anniversaries also tends to build up an “aristocracy of oldtimers,” a kind of class system by which one is supposed to move up from the ranks of the herd into a more select group whose prestige depends on the number of years they have been around. That certainly is inconsistent with the democracy of A.A. Likewise, the implication that through this “aging” process one is graduated from pupil to master does not jibe with the premise that one does not arrest alcoholism by himself. The whole curative fundamental of A.A. is that he must get help. So how can he become master, ever? It doesn’t make sense.
Celebration of personal anniversaries puts an emphasis on time that is not justified by A.A. experience. Rare is the new one in A.A. who does not start counting years for himself when he attends a meeting at which some member’s fourth, fifth or X anniversary is being celebrated by the group with figurative trumpets, orchids and fanfare. Rare, too, is the old one in A.A. who, when he finds himself deferred to and looked up to as an “oldtimer,” does not begin to get at least a suspicion that maybe he does know more, maybe he is a little apart from the herd. From that point it’s not a long step to a recurrence of ego-itis, the same old disease that had a grip on all of us.
WHAT good purpose is served by celebrating personal anniversaries? Does any member who is really participating in the opportunities of A.A. and enjoying the blessings of sobriety need to have others bring him bouquets for a thing from which he himself benefits, first, and which he undertook for himself, first? We think not–not if there is anything to A.A.’s “unselfish selfishness.”
The observation that it’s not the years but the “quality of your sobriety” that counts is solidly founded on the record of experience.
T.D.Y.
going to meetings and sharing my clean time holds me accountable to the others in the room.
when i dont give my sober dates or years i may be unconsciously setting myself up for relapse…who would know?
this does not mean not celebrating every minute or whatever.
and yes..when i eventually get this right..a big part is staying present and aware in the moment..one day at a time
After reading all these comments on chips and medallions, if you don’t want to participate, don’t. Keep your mouth shut and let others who have worked and are living the steps day in and day out, enjoy their claps and hug. It’s totally their business. My current home group does give out medallions for continuous sobriety, and trust me, we know who has done the work. And our long time members still do service work and take newcomers through the steps as they have the experience and joy of doing them as a design for living. To be able to look back from where one has been and to have the absolute gratitude to be where one is now, is truly a humbling experience. So if you want to take a reminder of how wonderful this new life is and present this hope to others that their time is not wasted by being here, by all means, take your chip and smile. It’s your business, no one else.
I got sober 42 days before my first 24 hour chip in Beavercreek Ohio back March ‘94…I took my first 30 day chip before my first 24 hour…the group of Alkies at this meeting were asked if anyone has 30 days sober….but when I got it I didn’t acknowledge I was an Alkie….because I didn’t believe I was, nor did I want to stay sober.
The subsequent days led (while in a military alcoholic rehab center at Wright-Patterson) finally a breakthrough—-and I didn’t even know it when I said I was an alcoholic…I was reminded by a fellow patient there at the facility that I said the “A-word”….which was understood for Alcoholic between us.
March 22nd I had been 64 days without a drink but sober, considering it was my state of mind that I was convinced I was an Alkie.
From then on, I took my chips along with my 1st year medallion only because it was suggested….I hadn’t worked the Steps at all (nevermind getting a sponsor)….so getting those chips/medallion meant absolutely nothing to me….and it still doesn’t after 30 years s I nice I’ve abstained from alcohol—-but thank God at 1 1/2 yr and half…the pain was sufficient (mental, physical but more importantly my spiritual sobriety was just non-existent)….
Sure, I became secretaries, treasurer, cake dude, bone-hugger greeters and even coffee-cookie biatch nothing but nothing helped initially like the work with sponsor and the Steps (to include the Traditions mind you) to getting finally what is known as Sobriety.
I’ve celebrated by anniversary 6 times in front of Alkies….5 of which have been at the insistence of my last dying sponsor of 27 yrs, Bill L.
I did it for him because he asked…and never one time have I ever felt good about it…why?
Look, I know I’m not a humble man by any stretch of anyone’s imagination….just ask any of my newcomers, friends and relatives both on A.A. and plain ol’ family members—I have a type-A personality…do you think I don’t recognize what that does to me trying to stand in front of people giving me adulation for something I relate totally as God-given and these peeps want me to take it “for the newcomer” as a set benchmark of what they can receive if they”just stay sober”?
Are you kidding me, gimme a break!!!
The Steps is where it’s at…staying sober today and only for today is where it’s at—period!!!
If someone wants to know how I did it…it’s usually in conversations with people (normally my newcomers of whom and is “why” I go to meetings solely for)…I’ll tell them if it’s needed to be so in conversation, otherwise I don’t say it at all.
Too many an Alkie of my type who do go back to drinking and attempt to come back and stay sober scarcely can, why?
In the words of gentleman who had 29 yrs of sobriety related to me when he asked for my help:”….damn Sal, what will people think of me after having that much time and went back out?”
My response to this gentleman was:”…to heck with them…..d ok you want this or not?”
He’s been struggling and hasn’t been able to compile but a few scant days and weeks since the pandemic….and in this exchange of talks with him just solidified my resolve as to why I don’t celebrate my anniversaries of my sobriety…I don’t want to be the example or a harbinger of false hopes/dreams
and setting new timers in that “staying sober for a time” means something….it doesn’t.
My day when I wake up (just like this morning) is acknowledging God in my life, I pray and meditate as it is a part of my daily worship to who is responsible for my sobriety.
My relationship with Him is ever apparent only in the “now” and not yesterday nor what tomorrow holds for me…:now and only now.
My home group wants to “help me celebrate” my upcoming 30 yrs (which will be held in April due to Easter falling on a Sunday this year in 2024….I will not attend but I will do everything I can to help them have a nice turnout—-I have my beliefs and strong convictions that I believe and know have kept me in God’s grace—I seek humility in all things….and taking a piece of plastic/alloy medallion isn’t going to be one of them despite their efforts of wanting me to “join in their reindeer games” and do what some may opt to—which is fine, I’m just not having it—it’s not what my God would want me to do.
I agree in general, but I can say from my personal experience that celebrating others’ birthdays has had a profound impact on me. On my second day in AA (my first day sober, that is), when a fellow named Lenyn celebrated his second 10th birthday–10 years sober; 15 years in prison; 10 years sober–he said “don’t’ do what I did”–and I took it to heart. I think about it most days still. It definitely affected me profoundly. The very next day, at the weekly Friday “party” meeting (as I call it), a fellow named Sonia celebrated her 32nd birthday. It was a complete vision for me. It changed my life, seeing this woman thriving after being sober for 90% of my entire lifespan. I think about it most days still, as well. So while your points are valid, I can attest there is value in the practice. As with all things, balance is the key. God bless you all~~~
I’m 13 and 8 months sober. I’ve been in the rooms since 1999 and I’ve had multiple birthdays with years. I’ve always worked hard since I walked in the door but I hadn’t completely surrendered. But I think it’s important to acknowledge and yes-celebrate a milestone in sobriety not necessarily for yourself but to show someone else it’s possible. I had literally obliterated my entire family when I got to AA (my dad has 40yrs) so when my parents are standing next to me I’ve had so many people come up to me after the meeting and tell me I gave them hope with their family. So yes, make a big deal but do it for the right reason- to help those still suffering.
Time does not keep one sober, working the steps does. At cakes all I hear are others praising the person taking the cake. Accolades abound and more often than not NOTHING is said about working the steps.
People love cakes as they want to hear others say how wonderful they are. The program is not about ME (one person) but rather about WE……NO HUMAN POWER yet when I hear all the praise being blown up you know where, one might be led to think it was the cake recipient who did it all on their own and NOT a higher power God (ONLY IF sought).
Groups here began by giving a medallion with a speech about the glory of the birthday person. This expanded to a not only a medallion speech, but a cake speech and a sponsor speech…three people getting up to expound the holy virtues of the person who is taking the cake.
It is ridiculous.
People are NOT coming back to the rooms and DYING out there due to the shame of having to say “I’m coming back.” There is NO need for anyone to know sobriety or relapse or anything dates. JUST keep coming back is what I now always say. Two friends, shotguns to head due to shame of losing a date.
Actions speak for themselves, what someone does and how they act in the rooms. Personally I avoid any talk about how great I am or how great my shares are by putting the given praise right back onto the person saying it to me (if you spot it you got it is what i say….) I need no one to tell me how wonderful I am by taking a sobriety cake.
Newcomers get the false message that the program is about counting time as we clap and yahoo for dates, when really we should be clapping and celebrating when one completes the steps.
Imagine how different the rooms would be if we gave cakes when one finished the fourth/fifth step as outlined in the book? Then at eight/nine after making amends, another celebration or medallion and finally, after completing all twelve steps.
THIS is what the focus should be on when announcing anything in regards to acknowledgements…..WORKING and COMPLETING the STEPS.
Newcomers believe the program is about time, counting time when in reality it is not, Too often, people take one year cakes or one guy even took eighteen years of cakes without WORKING a single step.
He became suicidal…..decided finally to open the book. His life THEN only changed after WORKING the steps.
We are killing people by highlighting ego and not focusing on celebrating the completion of STEP WORK.
Also, imagine if we gave cakes for SERVICE work, gsr, dcm etc. or giving cakes for helping sponsees work through the steps…….THIS is what the program is TRULY about…..giving back…..helping others….being of service for I am RESPONSIBLE.
rant over
thank you for helping me feel like I belong
people are LEAVING the program due to the shame in not being able to take a cake, and they often do NOT come back because of OUR focus on time…..and NOT on HOW IT WORKS
Thank you for this dialogue. After 14 years of sobriety, I developed a compulsive behavior disorder as a side effect of a medication I was taking (dopamine agonist) and the result was a powerful, near fatal relapse. A rehab doctor recognized that I was taking this medication and suspected it was the problem. She weaned me off the drug and I haven’t had a craving for alcohol since. However, what I do have is a 2 million ton blanket of shame that I carry into every moment of my life, especially into meetings where time and anniversaries are heralded like the coming of Christ. In every single meeting, I am reminded that I am “othered,” that I don’t match up to the elite with time. I almost didn’t make it back into the fellowship because I was too ashamed to turn in my time and start over. I almost chose not to live. That is how powerful the shame of “losing time” is. Perhaps if we didn’t put such emphasis on time and truly focused on this very 24 hours, only, we could help and support countless alcoholics who just desperately want to fit it and belong and not be slotted into a hierarchy. I no longer raise my hand when asked “who has a year or more of sobriety,” even though I do. Trust me, newcomers know the program works; “amount of sobriety” is mentioned in most shares. They hear it plenty. I will remain forever in solidarity with the newcomer. I will have as much sobriety as the hours I have been awake that day. Period. I learned my lesson. My ego has no place in AA. Perhaps neither should yours.
Charlene, I completely agree with you. I am a drug and alcohol counselor and I too have multiple years of sobriety but I often say that until I lay my head on the pillow and go to sleep I only have today just like everyone else. I am no better or no more recovered than anyone else.
What about the phenomena of the increasing number of chips? At my old group we had a pink cloud two week chip! And a chip for every single month up to 12 and then and 18 month chip. It seems totally focused on an extrinsic reward like getting a cookie each month for being a good dog.
When I got sober, there were anniversaries and the coin was the reward and the clapping was the celebration, maybe there was cake. But now people are having big sobriety parties and dinner parties celebrating each and every month at my group. It’s completely over the top, making a big deal out of the time.
The way we used to do it was reasonable, but what I am seeing happen now seems excessive.
I think it’s ok to recognize members for their hard work each year to stay sober. We do work hard to stay sober. Why not recognize it? I go to meetings and help newcomers and do service, and often it’s an inconvenience to my family and me. I did way more work for others in my later years of recovery. In my early years the only work I did was on myself. In later years I can be trusted to take on a two year treasurers post. No person without time can do such a thing. I know everyone wants everyone to be completely equal but we aren’t the same. AA can’t run without the oldtimers either.
The pandemic has made a lot of meetings not have any old-timers to carry the traditions, and the result is that AA is becoming unrecognizable in some places. Not everything in our traditions is written down. Many things are carried by word of mouth and actual tradition. For example the idea that marijuana maintenance is not true sobriety. Well it doesn’t specifically say that in the Big Book but it was the tradition forever before now. But with no old timers to carry that tradition, it has changed. Maybe because pot is legal in many places….but alcohol has always been legal since Prohibition. Now folks claim all kinds of things are ok in sobriety because the Big Book doesnt say anything about smoking pot or doing cocaine. So maybe you’re actually sober as long as you just don’t drink.
I’m being sarcastic. And I am very sad for everything that was lost in the pandemic. AA has suffered a huge loss of traditions. And the people running things with only a year or two…it’s not great, and it’s not the same and the recovery is not as good in my opinion.
Fearful of posting another AA opinion (lol) I simply accept fellows personal choice. For me, I do not celebrate days, weeks, months or years. What I celebrate is the fact that I found AA and a spiritual way of life :-)
P.S. Today I celebrated 5 days without a family size bar of chocolate – Do I get a chip for this????
Yours In Fellowship,
G
I agree with the article. Celebrating time in the fashion of making a big to-do out of it is hierarchical and ego-driven. Members who have a significant amount of time can share with newcomers in casual or private conversation that the program works in a humble manner, rather than standing behind a podium and giving a speech, or mentioning their years of sobriety everytime they share. Focussing solely on time I believe stirs up jealousy, resentment, among members and depression, discouragement for newcomers. One thing I love about my home group is we don’t give our sobriety dates when we go around the room and introduce ourselves. We are all on equal ground, having a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. I avoid talking about how much time I have under my belt. It doesn’t matter as much as what I’m doing right now, andhow I am as a human being.
Very thoughtful post. As a member who had 24 years and relapsed I now have a very different view of anniversaries. I get the impression that I am supposed to feel devastated I lost my “tally”. I am not. Yes years have passed again but I am
not counting and I dont “write” off 24 years of my life and begin again. AA’s linear recovery model is flawed and has led to suicides.
I agree with you. I too have lost and regained time. it comes down to a day at a time.
This year I decided to not celebrate my AA “sobriety” birthday. It occurred to me that it wasn’t right to claim x amount of years as sober. I went to an AA meeting and haven’t picked up since. But I suffered from alcoholism. The various character defects and mental disorders plus I clinged to my selfishness and self-centered behaviors. I was miserable and very sick. But I was “sober”! And became proud of my years of recovery. So I quit counting. I was never comfortable with the yearly celebrations. And the bottom line is this; I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I can truly take it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me vent.
AA Grapevine 1949? Early on members saw that like everything else in the world that man gets a hold of will have both a Yin and a Yang. All of the comments below have already said all things that I have thought about. Where my heart lies is in man cannot handle anything that “ego” is attached to and history has shown us that AA Anniversaries have taken on the same human construct that VIP or Celebrity has taken on and that has no use in AA and does not align with 12 step principles. What does though is to each his own we all have a God of our understanding and I’m not it. I choose to not celebrate or to even mention the time I have away from a drink. The only thing I have done consistently since I came to AA is to not pick up the drink. If they handed out white chips for character defects and acting out, I could build a mansion even though my years would have others thinking I can walk on water. I live my life One Day At A Time.
Well of course we make a big deal out of anniversaries. We AA’s are always looking for a place to grab the spotlight.
Try getting AA’s to do PI/CPC speaking. Where they’re SUPPOSED to talk about what AA is and isn’t, and not about themselves. Not their drunk-a-log.
We need to celebrate AA anniversaries. It’s a big deal, particularly for the newcomer who gets to see that this program works. It is also very important for those celebrating their first few years to realize where they are now compared to where they were then.
Amen, Amen. AMEN! Vidal Key West
We do not set out to stay sober for a year, or three, or a lifetime? Not what Dr. Bob said in his story in the Big Book. He said if you really want to stop drinking for good and all that A.A. Has an answer on how to achieve that. Too many today have a defeatist attitude and don’t have goals, and too many argue with the founders. None of us would get in the car with expectation of never arriving at our destination. We hear nowadays that relapse is part of recovery. Yeah, just like fatal accidents are part of driving. None of us wants that or expects it, and we don’t brush them off like they are OK. As has been said, celebrating an anniversary should be an occasion of humility but should be done because it shows that we can recover when we actually do the program, just as it says in the Big Book.
I celebrate my anniversary to let those who came after me that it can be done and to thank those who have helped me. This article smells of the art of over thinking
Yes, it might be “overthinking” but I was really glad to come across this very reflective and sensible article.
I have been really frustrated about the AA anniversary chips and how AA members constantly applaud the length of time a person has been sober. It is a TOTAL contradiction to what practicing “One Day at a Time” actually means.
Clearly AA is the mother-ship program of all addictions. Can an addict who never drank but used AA 12 steps to stop, celebrate his birthday in AA? How about a gambler? What about a smoker? I attend open AA mtgs as a practice to work my outside issue that does not get the luxury of abstinence. I praise AA and do consider myself an AA member because I work the same steps and do not wish to start drinking alcohol or do drugs. But i get resentful because no one ever praised me for my abstinence in all my years “sober” or is it “dry”? I dont consider a crack addict sober if he stopped crack, but drinks every weekend; the same as i dont believe an alcoholic can say he is sober if he just beat his girlfriend. I have seen a guys get cake after such an event. Celebrating time of abstinence seems more of an ego trip when it comes down to it. None of the steps even suggest this as a practice. Why it is bad is because it creates a false sense of accomplishment, and creates a sense of expectations- which may or may not ever get met. As a result it violates the steps and traditions themselves, and probably is the cause of many shameful relapsers dying instead of returning to the program. As it is explained in the 12&12 about trad 12: anonymity expressed as humility is spiritual foundation of the program. Cakes & chips, are symbols of dogmatic religious social constructs of which AA is an alternative option; otherwise we are simply a cult using cult like tactics to brainwash members to “sanity”. Positive reinforcements can have negative consequences, AA has no such opinion on such outside matters. A person has the right to celebrate sobriety with their families and friends outside AA, but once they bring it inside then is simply “personalities over principles”.
For someone with double digit sobriety, I couldn’t agree more…
Countless of us with long term "sobriety" have been just abstinent; the typical untreated alcoholic…dry but miserable inside…So who cares about "how long without picking up a white chip"…
Thank you God, for helping me understand the huge difference between abstinence and sobriety. For a couple of years now, I have intentionally stopped talking or mentioning my sobriety time for the purpose of "qualifying" myself…My only qualification is my experience.
There are those who think of this practice as selfish, as it robs the newcomers of the example that the program does work. When confronted with this situation, I am reminded the words my sponsor shared with me on this subject: "experience is not what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you" (from Aldous Huxley)…
Today, let I my actions speak for myself rather than the number of years since my last white chip…
I I totally agree. I’ve seen “Old Timers” that act terrible in meetings but everyone is slow to say anything because of how much time they have. Newcomers have said some of the most profound and enlightening things I’ve ever heard in meetings. Sober time does not necessarily coincide with learning or change.
I have never celebrated any of my medallion birthdays. It’s not that important to me. Some of my AA peers tell me its important to show the newcomer that the program works, but my retort to that is, "I’d rather sit down with the newcomer and show them "how it works".
Far too often one’s time in sobriety is used as a "fellowship currency" to establish status and hierarchy in the group. I have seen too many "dry drunks" with substantial sobriety time, strutting about the meeting, posturing themselves above younger members rather than mentoring them in sobriety.
However, I do like the ritual of handing out newcomer chips. It lets me know who I should be approaching later in the meeting.
I appreciate your outlook and view which has taught me. Thank you.
I’m glad to find somebody that finally agrees with me. doesn’t matter how many years I have in the program at all. What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. but I only have a daily reprieve from alcoholism. implying that I have recovered means that I don’t need to do the work any longer. I find the only thing worse than a wet drunk. is a dry drunk. And there are many as you well know. thank you for your views. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thinking. as long as I’m working the maintenance steps. step step10, continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong. Step 11 which means starting my day off with prayer and meditation asking my higher power to remove self-centeredness and selfishness, and wrong motives from my thinking. Asking throughout the day whenever I am disturbed for the right thought or action how I can be helpful. Doing an inventory at night to review how I behaved throughout the day. and step 12 having had a spiritual awakening as THE result of these steps. I look for other alcoholics who are suffering from alcoholism my life goes well. I found that I cannot see myself as others see me. And the steps are what help me and other healthy members in AA are my mirror. thank you again ……..TJ Merritt BC Canada